Here to perpetuate the stereotype that all gay men are obsessed with fashion (and it's true. Kristen Wiig's dress? I'd rock it.), I present the 10 best and 10 worst fashions from the Emmy's, complete with my snarky and entirely unnecessary commentary. And because the Emmy's took place over a week ago, this post is even fashionably late. Just like us inconsiderate gays always are.
BEST: Claire Danes. Possibly the best dress of the night, this is blue and black done impeccably right...
WORST: ...and this is blue and black (note the pointless little belt) done impossibly wrong. Amy Poehler. Oh, Amy Poehler, you sea urchin of a woman, what is wrong with your hair, your face, your dress, and just your whole entire look in general? Can you please go back to dressing like Hillary Clinton? Even that was a more flattering look. Or are you attempting to channel Ursula the Sea Witch?
BEST: Nina Dobrev. I hear she's a bit of a diva, but does it really matter when you look this good?
WORST: Kate Winslet. While Nina above opted for something with a little flair to complement her dress, Kate and her red dress over here? Boring (much like her movie role choices). And her hair makes it appear as though she woke up in that dumpster next to me last weekend.
BEST: Heidi Klum. Normally I hate this woman, and I still kind of do, but she does have a decent sartorial sense. And, call me a queer, but I like how the bottom of her dress resembles a bouquet.
WORST: Christina Hendricks. Dear God, woman, maybe next time you don't pick a dress that matches your exact skin color? Or, hmm, I don't know, pick up a bottle of spray tan? You're at the fucking Emmy's for Christ's sake. So, if nothing else, try not to look like a Vegas showgirl from the 1920's.
BEST: Kerry Washington. I don't know who she is, but I love the color, the shininess, the intricacy, and the fact that the shredded bottom only kind of makes her look like a high-end escort (not to be confused with a 1920's Vegas showgirl, as seen above).
WORST: Anna Faris. I am speechless. This is shininess gone wrong. Me no like the sparkles. And oh, dear Jesus, that pattern...can you spot the kitchen sink in it?
BEST: Juliana Margulies. Classic yet modern, simple, and I like the corset top. Armani Prive never fails.
WORST: Jayma Mays. I love you, Jayma, so I'll try not to thrash you too badly here. But, really, what were you thinking? I mean, come on, I'm biting my tongue so hard I can taste blood.
BEST: Kristen Wiig. I love everything about this, especially the two-toned colors. And to avoid sounding overtly-homosexual, I will not continue the list of reasons why I love it.
WORST: Dianna Agron. I tell ya what. I have a set of royal blue satin sheets and would immediately be shown the door if I ever applied to Project Runway, because I cannot sew for shit. But still, you give me a couple bobby pins and a pair of scissors, and even I could've made a better looking dress than THIS.
BEST: Paula Abdul. Pretty chic if you ask me, and the belt was a nice touch. Unlike...
WORST: Minka Kelly. Originally I thought Minka was Jennifer Lopez and I didn't realize she was wearing Christian Dior. I hated it, and not just because I hate Jennifer Lopez. Then I found out that she was, in fact, Minka Kelly and her dress was courtesy of Dior. And I still hate it. The Dior bears a slight resemblance and some similar qualities to Paula Abdul's dress. Except this one is over-the-top, you shouldn't pair black with navy, and...why is there lace?
BEST: Padma Lakshmi. You know how I said I had royal blue satin sheets that I sleep on? Well I was thoroughly ashamed to admit that, because usually you don't find that out until after I've gotten you back to my place at 3:00 a.m. and, well, by then it's too late. But I also have gold satin sheets, and this is what someone with actual talent could make them look like. Unlike Dianna Agron up there.
WORST: Amber Riley. I've seen plus-sized women occasionally dress well before. This is not one of those occasions.
BEST: Heather Morris. The ruffles are one too many, the neckline plunges a bit too much, the single earring is a little too funky, and the hair is too tall. But fuck, it's Heather Morris, and baby I like it.
WORST: Kathy Griffin. I've seen girls at prom who looked better in this exact same dress. Give it up, Kathy.
BEST: Rachael Taylor. The dress was daring, without being over-the-top. Bitch looks good.
WORST: Phoebe Price. I've never heard of this troll before, and I hope I never do again.
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